“Freedom Does Not Mean Happiness”

When I was crazy
I didn’t know
So was the rest of man
Like children
with missing pieces
But the blessing in disguise
Was being forced to learn
What most don’t grow
To understand

My insight into madness
Leaves me second
To another’s duress

It’s irrelevant the Hells
I’ve seen my way out
I can’t know what I talk about

Closer to peace of mind
I’m more isolated
I didn’t know such desertion
When I hallucinated

I saved my mind
From such droughts
Now any worth of love
Grew doubt

I can forgive
For our love
Your one track mind
Soars with your defense

But your honesty never
Has had a home
to fall in place of
Now your arguments make
Your love seem
like a pretense

My insight into madness
Leaves me second
to your duress

It’s irrelevant the Hells
I’ve seen my way out
I can’t know what I talk about

Closer to peace of mind
I’m more isolated
I didn’t know such desertion
When I hallucinated

I saved my mind
From such droughts
Now any worth of love
Grew doubt

Freedom
Does not mean happiness
Grieving
All those I shed

I can love more in upset
But I freed myself
from lost causes
And from where they led

Closer to peace of mind
I’m more isolated
I didn’t know such desertion
When I hallucinated

When I saved my mind
From such droughts
Any worth of love
Grew doubt.

“Outside”
Lyrics by Mariah Carey

It’s hard to explain
Inherently it’s just
always been strange
Neither here nor there
Always somewhat out of place
everywhere

Ambiguous
Without a sense of
belonging to touch
Somewhere halfway
Feeling there’s no one
completely the same

[Chorus:]
Standing alone
Eager to just
Believe it’s good enough
to be what
You really are
But in your heart
Uncertainty forever lies
And you’ll always be
Somewhere on the
Outside

Early on, you face
The realization you don’t
have a space
Where you fit in
And recognize you
Were born to exist

[Chorus]

And it’s hard
And it’s hard
And it’s hard

Irreversibly
Falling in between
And it’s hard
And it’s hard
To be understood
As you are
As you are

Oh, and God knows
That you’re standing
on your own
Blind and unguided
Into a world divided
You’re thrown
Where you’re never quite the same
Although you try – try and try
To tell yourself
You really are

But in your heart –
uncertainty forever lies
And you’ll always be
Somewhere on the
outside
You’ll always be
Somewhere on the
outside.

“What I Want”

My deepest love
Forced me to fly
When I was unthought of

It was what it was
Trying to substitute
Love he never birthed
And made unjust

What I want is unforeseeable
Till it presents itself
What I don’t want
is easier now to shelf

I’ve forgiven your attacks on me
I know someone hurt you too
But you don’t have to destroy me
I found the strength
through loving you

My greatest protector
Showed me love for danger
I wrote toxins many love letters

I was taught
to protect myself
So I set myself free
With a sense of
a broken family felt

What I want is unforeseeable
Till it presents itself
What I don’t want
is easier now to shelf

I’ve forgiven your attacks on me
I know someone hurt you too
But you don’t have to destroy me
I found the strength
through loving you

I gained the courage to remove
Troubled souls
I was shown to love
I learned I’m no hero
If I want to be whole

I was saving the world
And God was aloof
I can’t touch the lost
Like His love

I forgave them
as they walked away
to grow
So I could recapture
What felt like
my stolen soul

What I want is unforeseeable
Till it presents itself
What I don’t
is easier now to shelf

I’ve forgiven your attacks on me
I know someone hurt you too
But you don’t have to destroy me
I have strength
through loving you.

“Faireweather Codependents”

for Eric

I recall that decaying dawn
I awoke with fantasies dead in me
Angry at your heroism
Resentful of you carrying me
So securely

And most of all
I weep for how easily you
Never give your
kindred friend a call
Like your lips turned blue

But I’ve shed that old need
To be carried
by faireweather codependents
My feet firmly on the ground
Are now in the lead
Still I’m bitter your joy is not
Yours to extend

An emancipated sundial
Does not mean I feel more loved
I may not plead insanity on trial
But your arms don’t make me
feel worthy of

But most of all
I weep for how easily you
Took my words
To give everyone else worth
I could have died
You thanked me
for your rebirth

But I’ve shed that old need
To be carried
By faireweather codependents
My feet firmly on the ground
Are now in the lead
Still I’m bitter your joy is not
Yours to extend

Your Superman complex
Did not have the rolodex
Or the strength through
chronic despondency
To remove myself
From all your memories

And dig within
to find security
And carry myself
Beyond those valleys
As God and I reconnected
And I accepted
your disregard
For how I’m neglected

But you’re not in need
To carry me
As a faireweather codependent
My feet firmly on the ground
Now in the lead
Still I’m bitter your joy is not
Yours to extend.

“Always Salvaged”

My love has been salvaging
It’s inspired tethered spirits
But when you’re so loving
Your heart appears
strong enough
They break it

You wonder
Who will salvage me?
Who will make inspiration true?
But in the eye
of the storm alone
Only you can safely find
your way home alone

They’ll say
they love you
And breathe in
your spark
But only God above you
Always salvaged your heart

I’m born to flutter
When I freely express my mind
To disputes
and judgements of others
God always returns me
to peace to find

I wonder who
will join me?
Who will find
my sentiments as worthy?
But in being abandoned
I began discovering
God’s love within

They’ll say they love you
They’ll breath in your spark
But God above you
Always salvaged your heart

I can love greater than I
The pain is more than I
If I wish to solidify
reasons to live
I’ll let God be the one
With love that always gives

They’ll say
they love me
They’ll breathe
in my spark
But God above me
Always salvaged my heart.

“Smelled Your Bad Seeds”

I was painting
Absorbing you
You can sweetly redeeming
Till your mirrors touch you

Beauty I saw
How you could fall
Was figment from your needs
Till I smelled your bad seeds
You’re one more artwork
Bound to fall

I was your believer
You’re an escapist
You be quite tender

I was a sport to you
You can’t play with hearts
For fitness

Beauty I saw
How you could fall
Was figment from your needs
I smelled your bad seeds
You’re one more artwork
Bound to fall

You liked your boxing gloves
When you hear sirens in love
You liked summing me up
As unable to be loving enough

A mentality can take
Only so much
Take your mirrors
Look inside long and hard
Attacking me
Won’t numb your broken heart

I smell your bad seeds
You’re one more artwork
Bound to fall.

“Replacing My Parents”

I’ve reached for
My guardian angel
When dying dreams
Begin to strangle

Purpose is eternal confusion
When early mortality
Was an infusion

I’ve always had an escape
But there’s always one
With a promise to make

On the borderline
I look to replace my parents
With love that overlaps lines
Burdening bystanders
as my dependents

No one reaches
for me
I haven’t been embraced
for weeks
I’m slipping away slowly
Reaching for me

My mother loved me enough
To beg me to live for her
Till her strength for me
Forever dispersed

It’s easier
being disconnected
Less triggering than
to be neglected
I still have an escape plan
With one less promise made

No one reaches
for me
I haven’t been embraced
for weeks
I’m slipping away slowly
Reaching for me

I reach from voids within
No one cares enough
To sit with me

My guardian angel knows
My escape plan hidden
I’d dive into mankind
But there’s no more
I can bare to see

On the borderline
I’d like to replace my parents
With love overlapping lines
With new dependents

Because nobody reaches
For me
I haven’t been embraced
for weeks
I’m slipping away slowly
Reaching for me.

“Too Many Vampires”

Extended myself
You bit my hand
Victimized yourself
When I took my stand

It’s the only righteous feeling
I’m only a culprit
So you ran without resolution
For the flame that was lit

You’re not the first to be faithless
Not the first to overlook me
Standing alone feels homeless
But there are too many vampires
For reason to guard me

I can’t presume your position
I can only go by your words
But you abandon self expression
After lifetimes,
rejection still hurts

The most surprising lesson
Is I’ve had the strings
in my hands to pull

I was blinded
by your mosaic impression
Like I’m not supposed to be safe
Just lovesick and lulled

You’re faithless
You overlooked me
Standing alone
feels homeless
But too many vampires
Leave no reason to guard me

I’d always fall
Into entanglements
Like those of my mother
Till I learned kinder love can call

My spirit is
youthful enough
To kindly merge
with another
But my soul is
wise enough
To spot the runaways
Those looking to thrive
In war zones

Those who can’t see
beyond a daze
And those who undervalue me
For all that flourishes
From a lotus
Beneath my bones.

“So Much Good Our Love Did”

You can’t be mine again
I smile for the young boy
who you live for

How I was loved
was inspiration
Only you secured
my spirit to soar

I’ve grieved since
I could comprehend
But they never walked away
Leaving me loved for
Who I was born to be

But as a different root
from which I can descend
When you walked away
you’ve loved me so much
that you partly grew
into who you are
from what you loved in me

Letting go of you
You’re always part of me
I learned love can be true
Destiny wrote us out
But there was so much good
Our love did for me

You too were an abandoned boy
But you deliver everyone
with your kindness
Broken youth won’t taint
a gardens joy
My overflowing heart
never went unnoticed

Maybe I’ll always be
Grieving you
Only the love of my life
Emancipates my core
And makes fairytales
Seem so true
I’ve embraced our fairytale
Was to let me soar

Letting go of you
You’re part of me
Love can be so true
Destiny left us out
There was more good
Our love did for me

I hope you’ve learned
To put yourself first
As your beauties can
Make souls thirst

You should be awarded
A Nobel Peace Prize
For my freedom
you compelled to realize

Now I know there’s someone
Out there that will always love
The best of me
Though he must remain untouched

Letting go of you
I wonder if you’ve let go of me
Who knew love could feel so true?
Your fate was long figured out
But there was more good
Your love did for me.

“Your Tenderness In His Voice”

Love begins
with a dream
It’s safe to say
I’ve envisioned you
For another to be

I was treasured
Then you realized
You can’t love
Beyond your enchanted castle
where you had built your life

But I still have my fantasy
Your suppressed feelings
Surfaced as your reality
When I meet a second best
I’ll listen for your tenderness
In his voice
If he holds me
As high as you used to
Is the test

You penned philosophies
Of my take of true love
Of how kind words should be
How my heart should be
Delicately considered of

God answered my prayers
Till you opened your eyes
To the first promise
You made to your God
But I’ll always remember
I glistened your once dying eyes

I still have my fantasy
Your suppressed feelings
Surfaced for your reality
When I meet a second best
I’ll listen for your tenderness
In his voice
If he holds me
As high as you used to
Is the test

You let me be insane
You let me be backboned
You let my rage persist
Unmaintained
And still you held me
at home

I exorcized you
From my insides
But you surfaced
With your same softness
And you
utterly still care for me
In baptizing
waves and tides
Which you can still
freely express

So I still have my fantasy
Your suppressed feelings
Surfaced in your reality
If I meet second best
I’ll listen for you in his voice
I hope I’m held as high
as I was held
by you.

“The Strong One”

I’ve touched hearts
Gone unfollowed
Joy is an art
And fear leaves
Their colors hollow

Inspiration I gave
Washed away
with the dead sea
My void can’t be saved
My investments ranked in
Insecurity

The strong one
Is like the sky’s
abandoned sun
Shedding light
on my emotions
With love radiating oceans
With clouds clearing away
The strong one has no one
to stay

Hearts torn apart
Fantasy never followed
Goodbyes can never start
We’re complacent
in bittersweet sorrow

I speak from
exactly where I feel
I make four stale walls
effervescent
But my intensity becomes
all too real
Like a moon becomes
too crescent

The strong one
Is like the sky’s
abandoned sun
Shedding light
on my emotions
With love radiating oceans
As clouds clear away
The strong one has no one
to stay

You think I’ll be okay
On my higher plane
Knowing what to say
Knowing how to keep
maintained

But each time
love fades away
Each time mother
withholds her love
I feel my soul
continue to decay
And all I’ve had to learn
To be strong from

The strong one
Is like the sky’s
abandoned sun
Shedding light
on my emotions
With love radiating oceans
With clouds clearing away
The strong one has no one
to stay.