“Grew Past Survivors”

I helped you
light your way
As I had a past
to rise from

I bit my tongue
When you’d violate
I couldn’t let you add
To damage forever undone

I’ve fought for my light
For love that loved
you so bright
If I’m too misunderstood
by your stones
I’m leaving you
to light your own light
It is your own

You see me
weak in my mind
Your shortcomings
never had me blind
Why waste time fighting you?
When I could fight
for what is true?
The truth is
I’ve learned early on
I grew past survivors like you
As you barely carry on

You can speak charmingly
I felt empathy
for struggles you unveiled
And I was overlooked
And downgraded persistently
I pardoned your battles
Till my reasons
for breaking cycles
were channeled

I’ve always had a light
I forgave more easily
Than your wrath so trite

If you truly think
I sometimes deserve
to be stoned
Then you’re undeserving
of my love
to spark your light
It is your own

You see me
weak in my mind
Your shortcomings
never had me blind
Why waste time fighting you?
When I could fight
for what is true?
The truth is I’ve learned early on
I grew past survivors like you
As you barely carry on

Now your life
is weaved back together
May I be the last
To be the brunt of your temper
You never understood me

But I held all
who wronged me
Up to God’s light
Forgiving them

Helped me spark your light
Till I saw all your resentments
Makes you
selfish and untrue

You see me
weak in my mind
Your shortcomings
never had me blind
Why waste time fighting you?
When I could fight
for what is true?
The truth is I’ve learned early on
I grew past survivors like you
As you barely carry on.

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“Like You Loved Our Fate”

(For the love of Derek)

I love you
Like you loved
our fate in the skies
I’ve tried every way
To stay by your side

But all we persistently fought
Always stood in between us
I hardly saw you fighting
To overcome yourself
for our love

If I could count on you
Like each day
with a kiss from you
If I could see clearly
that your love is true
But you bury
the truth beneath islands
Of wars where
I often can’t reach you

If I could have you
to hold you
I would never
let our love stop breathing
Like everything I lose

I watched you direly try
To understand who I am within
But places of the heart I’ve been to
You can’t seem to comprehend

I’ve flown to a light
That flourished my heart
Lord knows I’ve spent time
Helping you fight your dark

If I could count on you
Like each day
with a kiss from you
If I could see clearly
that your love is true
But you bury the truth
beneath islands
Of wars where
I often can’t reach you

If I could have you
to hold you
I would never
let our love stop breathing
Like everything I lose

I hold no regrets
Only timing was wrong
Even without your caress
We dedicated to each other
a soundtrack of songs

If your kiss
must remain a dream
As hard as you fight
As much as you’ve cared
I still pray you conquer
your devils schemes

And may someday soon
a true love kiss you
In a way that makes your life
suddenly appear so fair

If I could count on you
Like each day
with a kiss from you
If I could see clearly
that your love is true
But you bury the truth
beneath islands
Of wars where I often
can’t reach you

If I could have you
to hold you
I would never let
our love stop breathing
Like everything I lose.

“Too Late To Reconnect”

My madness manifested
After being mishandled as a child
Marking my years with attachments
Where I was starved for love
with misery behind a smile

Chaos inside often gets minimized
Like falling in love for the first time Because Mother left me
For a man to blind
I forgive him
but I know
he truly prevented sunshine

It’s too late to reconnect
With those who scarred me for life
My nature is to forgive
But my eyes add tears to the rivulet

You haven’t known my existence
I know how I would have been loved
When I’ve escaped reality God listens
God loves me as I let my past scatter
And I only forgive

A man fights for his life
He was the first to attack me
For the first time I’ve heard
his sweetness inside
Many men have brought
his ancient words back to me

I’ve found courage
to truly love again
He resembles my youth
So we were doomed to end
I grew beside him
as his best friend
I forgive him but he truly cared
more for his demons

It’s too late to reconnect
With those who scarred me for life
My nature is to forgive
But my eyes add tears to the rivulet

You haven’t known my existence
I know how I would have been loved
When I’ve escaped reality God listens
God loves me as I let my past scatter
And I only forgive

Call me discompassionate
But all of you were dangerous
When I was a helpless child
When I was frighteningly comfortable
when I was maturely amorous

But life is too short to wait
For you to learn to address
your emotions
So my spirit
is not at the stake

I can forgive you
But I’m no longer a boy
frozen in fear
I will follow God
in resilient motion

It’s too late to reconnect
With those who scarred me for life
My nature is to forgive
But my eyes add tears to the rivulet

You haven’t known my existence
I know how I would have been loved
When I’ve escaped reality God listens
God loves me as I let my past scatter
And I only forgive.

“Unpredictably”

Stupidly I thought I’ve had control
I could never orchestrate fantasies
Or mold armor
Before they crack my soul
By the pitiful making an instrument of me

When I feel strong in spirituality
By letting go
Of resentments swiftly
I still fall for perpetrators
I thought I outgrew
Now his life is compromised
He’s sweetened in heart
like honeydew

When I thought
I mastered my destiny
Life continues to hurt me
That part of me
Always bruised and childlike
Feels strong enough
To drift into the dark
And feed tin men
over candlelight

My kindness is seen as weakness
My insanity entails more tenderness
Than most can inhale
Hope for any love
Triggers past helplessness
I’m so forward
Because I can’t write my own tale

I lost confidence in my richness
I’m still a psychotically symptomatic
failure at love
I chose to walk away
Yet I miss him so like I’m obsessed
He’s quite a hazard
With so much I will always love

When I thought
I mastered my destiny
Life continues to hurt me
That part of me
Always bruised and childlike
Feels strong enough
To drift into the dark
And feed tin men
over candlelight

I want a reunion with you
When life has sweetened you
Like honeydew
And your heart has been set free
And you can find words for it for me

When you forgive your youth
You’ll find in your soul
An uplifting truth

When life unpredictably crosses you
You’ll be more willing
To talk through your anguish
And allow peace to find you

When I thought
I mastered my destiny
Life continues to hurt me
That part of me
Always bruised and childlike
Feels strong enough
To drift into the dark
And feed tin men
over candlelight.

“Wrap My Light”

Scorned by many
With impact understood
by too few
My gifts were emptied
I was overwhelmed
by all I knew

I have to embrace
a different view
One where love dies
without a burial

How I love
How delicate I am
Is all but forgotten of
Faced with possible death
My childhood nightmare
pleads for his life

Many men after him
became a threat
Dreams were bruised
Now I wrap my light

I wanted to radiate hearts
I slipped under water
And the hours darkened
So I made drowning art
As I planted myself
in alienation

I chose to love
Who only need me
I chose to love
Who traumatized me

I chose to love enough
To forgive my endless tears
I chose to love
Those I knew have
no place here

How I love
How delicate I am
Is all but forgotten of
Faced with possible death
My childhood nightmare
pleads for his life

Many men after him
became a threat
Dreams were bruised
Now I wrap my light

I can’t say
If I can ever love again
What is a good reason
For my deceived heart to open?

Over and over
Promises prove
to be anorexic
I’m superstitious
of a disconnected talkers
charm and magic

I was fostered
to have a free spirit
After I flew so much last time
My tired spirit
has reached a limit
I find humanity
has no reason nor rhyme

How I love
How delicate I am
Is all but forgotten of
Faced with possible death
My childhood nightmare
pleads for his life

Many men after him
became a threat
Dreams were bruised
Now I wrap my light.

“We Never Cried Together”

You cried
When you needed me
You wail
When my blanket
stings sharply

If I cried
I have to swallow my tears
Because you fail me
Only public windows
are stained with my wept fears

We never cried together
To relieve abusive fever
Rivers flow into infinite seas

Crying together could have
brought us magic through
facing each other’s
vulnerabilities

I tried
Believing you grew better
I thrived
On each word
that sounded kinder

And I believed
We grew together
But there’s introspection
I achieved
You only regressed backwards
So I’ve lost you forever

We never cried together
To relieve abusive fever
Rivers flow into infinite seas

Crying together could have
brought us magic through
facing each other’s
vulnerabilities

They called me foolish
Investing my
whole world of faith in your soul
If your world was unblemished
If you never need to see yourself
through my heart
you overtake as a whole
Then you wouldn’t be foolish
To think you’ve cried to me
over love

We never cried together
To relieve abusive fever
Rivers flow into infinite seas

Crying together could have
brought us magic through
facing each other’s
vulnerabilities.

“Till I Wake Up”

I trusted you enough
I fell asleep
to dream of you
Your whispers were tough
But I was asleep
and helpless
Rummaging for you
in my dreams
I twitched
and you were useless

I know nothing else
I’m comfortable with how these
sleep terrors felt
Like you stifled
my childhood dreams
I cannot hate you
Knowing fury consumes you
So till I wake up
I will believe

You slept as I gasped for air
Dreaming, I cling to you
or push you away
I think you stealing the blanket
is unfair

I didn’t think
dreaming of you
would keep you
as a stranger
Twisting and turning
in my sleep
became my hideaway
I wish I had opened my eyes
and early on
walked from danger

I know nothing else
I’m comfortable with how these
sleep terrors felt
Like you stifled
my childhood dreams
I cannot hate you
Knowing fury consumes you
So till I wake up
I will believe

Now I am soft to you
Dreaming of you
For close to a year
Before learning you’re untrue

Nightmares and beatings
have become custom
But I always
find profound reason
To let life pass me by
As my dreamy eyes
never open

I know nothing else
I’m comfortable with how these
sleep terrors felt
Like you stifled
my childhood dreams
I cannot hate you
Knowing fury consumes you
So till I wake up
I will believe.

“Mother Immortalized Behind My Ribcage”

Mother,
you’ve heard me cry most
You know best
My whole shattering story
Tonight you said sorry
For how I’ve been hurt
And taken advantage of
For my glory

Mother,
You know I’ve every compassion
But you say he must help himself first
You feel the loss tormenting me within
Mother won’t allow my roots to thirst

Mother knows how I’ve loved
He sought my heart she’s made of
He’ll never apologize for my pain
But Mother’s immortalized
behind my ribcage

Mother I nurture
The way you did me
I still always turn out wrong
But you say he makes an enemy
And it’s not me
That’s why everything I say
Is too strong

Mother I’ll endure this suffering
Because you taught me how
You instilled
a brighter perspective
For each gloom
You always say my best
will be good enough somehow

Mother knows how I’ve loved
He sought my heart she’s made of
He’ll never apologize for my pain
But Mother’s immortalized
behind my ribcage

I am yours
Before I was ever his to pain
Your motherly love showers
Our ancient resilience on rain

Always looking to you
I learned it’s the journey
experienced
Not the destination that
leaves a bruise
Mother, only you have stayed
through the seasons

Mother knows how I’ve loved
He sought my heart she’s made of
He’ll never apologize for my pain
But Mother’s immortalized
behind my ribcage.

“Emotional Service (Feel Yourself Linger)”

I’ve been turned to by many
As an emotional service
You were too blue
To trust true bliss

You’re easy to combust
Triggering my old terrors
My vision of us was lost
I expressed concern
And I was punished
with a nightmare

I would have kept loving you
If you loved me without danger
I loved you ever so true
But you only took my love
So you could feel yourself linger

I’ve yearned for you
Like I’ve never been kissed
You can’t soar
through your own blues
My wings were enlisted as bliss

When we would combust
You could count on me to forgive
Even when I began to feel lost
But you never imagined
You could ever kill the love
I had to give

I would have kept loving you
If you loved me without danger
I loved you ever so true
But you only took my love
So you could feel yourself linger

When a promise you make
Is fluttering inside your life,
you shouldn’t revert
to guns and amo by mistake

when you promised
to care for me
with loving light

And when I’ve always
looked past
each insult and explosion
But broken promises
are like dead fish compiling

And I’m young enough
to sail away ahead
on my ocean

I would have kept loving you
If you loved me without danger
I loved you ever so true
But you only took my love
So you could feel yourself linger.

“Didn’t Love Like Heaven”

I can’t talk to God
Without being blamed
for loving you
Sinfully I heartbreakingly sought
A strung out devil
so pretty and untrue

He is artistically insane
Chemically induced
But I’m too
conventional to paint
But sad enough to seduce

I don’t love healthy enough
In the eyes of our Lord
Inspiration that lifts me up
Pins me down
with a royal sword

It didn’t matter
how much beauty
I’ve found in you
I shouldn’t have taken part
In the leak
of the dream of you

God says we both had
selfish needs
Often forgiving you for
being so beautiful
Then I recently thought devils
could meet my needs
Because we’re both
shamelessly toxic in our souls

Maybe you and I
Didn’t love like Heaven
And we were not always
On a natural high
But you’re turning
the steering wheel within
Before my choice was clear
when tears filled my eyes

I don’t love healthy enough
In the eyes of our Lord
Inspiration that lifts me up
Pins me down
with a royal sword

It didn’t matter
how much beauty
I’ve found in you
I shouldn’t have taken part
in the leak
of the dream of you

I can’t turn back time
And freeze you
at your best forever
You can’t be always aligned
There are days
I’m unable impossible to weather

If you converse with God
Will you have the heart
To tell him I loved you?
And I was embracing
of your ungodly barriers?

I don’t love healthy enough
In the eyes of our Lord
Inspiration that lifts me up
Pins me down
with a royal sword

It didn’t matter
how much beauty
I’ve found in you
I shouldn’t have taken part
In the leak
of the dream of you.