“More Than Zero (For Andrew)”

If you dreamt of me
I’d never let go
Whenever you’d see me
You’d always follow

I failed to know
How to love you
You didn’t know
How to ask to be loved

You said
I was your superhero
After another was my hero
After I’ve too long
felt like zero

We’re the same
Burning the same hell within
We put our hearts to shame
You escape through addiction

I weep not knowing
Where you’re sleeping
I can’t be saved
You’re not mine to be saving

You said
I’m your superhero
After another was my hero
After spending too long
Feeling like zero

You asked for validation
I ask for our serenity
But I know our connection
Came amidst our heartbreaks
Serendipitously

You say I’m persistent
I say you clean up beautifully
But now I’m independent
And you’re still that cyclone
Circling yourself
I almost couldn’t see

But I’m glad to have been
Your superhero
Seasonal like my hero
You’ve made me feel
More than zero.

“Trimming Those Roots”

I’m setting myself free
I used to feel
Freedom involved rebellion
Flaunting all I attained
That was once handed to me
Showcasing my self established
Destination

Till I broke a fever
In our wettest winter in years
Forgiveness creeped in
As I quivered
No memory was here
To haunt me
It was soulless
With thousands of fears

Being free
Is not setting fire to prisons
It’s placing myself
Before what imprisons me

We see tears stream
Our hearts confuse love
With empathy
Nightmares feel
like sweet dreams
Pain awakens you
Setting you free

I made fruitless endeavors
Vulnerably just untethered
I could forgive
When my past was vacant
Hauntings became chapters
And I could learn
What our chapter
logically meant

Being free
Is not setting fire to prisons
But placing myself
Before those who
Imprison me

I’m overwhelmed by guilt
For barriers built
For those I love
Who make me curl up

Once upon a time
Abuse felt like reason
And rhyme
But I’ve begun
Trimming those roots
Since I’ve freed myself
To better understand the truth

Being free
Is not setting fire to prisons
I’m placing myself
Before those who had
Imprisoned me.

“Gods Child (If I Loved Myself)”

You loved yourself
Moving in men
into our home
Who shattered our sense of self
You tell me just to let it go

I thought love
Fertilized all that roots lacked
Love seemed like the missing key
To every cage

God says
love yourself
When a spear
is in your back
Free the ones you love
Till you’re the one
imprisoned in rage

If I loved myself
If I felt like God’s child
Less like a boy I was dealt
I’m grown enough
To walk from your words
So vile

He didn’t love himself
I slaved to enrich
his dead heart
Shattered my sense of self
Dreaming we’d master an art

He asked
when I’d finally let go
I didn’t know
he was minding time
Why’d he ask?
His angel would never let go
He didn’t have to tell me
He wings were clipped
for a lifetime

If I loved myself
I’d feel like God’s child
Less like a boy I was dealt
I’m grown enough
To feel an instrumental child

All I’ve become
Veils me from the Sun
But I’m a shameless advocate
Yet a bleeding reject

Putting myself before love
Breaks me in ways
No one can dream of

I’m a break through
Till break down
The brutal truth

If I loved myself
I’d be Gods child
Less like a boy I was dealt
I’m grown enough
To free a utilized child.

“Run Away From Me”

I know you better
You knew my crazy fast
You felt brighter
Shooting stars never last

Shining upon you was climatic
Till you discovered
I am an everyday lunatic

You have reasons
to feel loved by me
You learned reasons
I’m unloved
That make you run away
from me

You’re excused to break
Promises implied
in blissful kisses
You’re entitled to forsake
My soul fragmented in pieces

You’re ill equipped for the sick
Minds are not rubber
My mind is the hardest
to predict

You had reason
to feel loved by me
To know why I’m unloved
To run away
from me

Pills only control me
They can’t cure me
They can’t render me loveable
Beyond the judgmental

But they’ve made good calls
Loving me only to nearly fall
I’ll cling to my four walls
And will not further
my crazed downfall

They’ve felt they loved me
But there are reasons
I’m unloved
Reasons why
everyone runs away from me.

“You Never Have To Love Me”

We’re living
Forgetting we’re dying
Only immortals
Can make up for being immoral

I loved you
Before myself
Naively believing
My love was felt
I still witnessed your smile
Preserving my inner child

You never have to love me
in return
Hell and back took longer than
A burn

I wanted to nestle in
The heart of a boy
For some joy
Your heart was no space of joy
I painfully learned

In mourning
Angels were harmonizing
Utilized
Conjured new dreams
Traumatized
Solidly winged

I love what I’ve given
Of myself
Knowing I’m capable
Of all I’ve felt
Evidence lies in your smile
Gods love is sheer
in my inner child

You never have to love me
In return
Hell and back took longer
Than a burn

I wanted to nestle
In the heart of a boy
For just joy
Your heart is no space of joy
I painfully learned.

“Deceived With Warmth”

You were safely familiar
Your arms opened to me
in my storm
You’re too naive to know
How much you’ve ever stirred
Engulfed dreams deceived me
With warmth

I awaited you in your cave
Playing house
Like I’ve always conjured hearts
Imagining forever

Still I somehow knew
I’d have to escape
like an unfed mouse

Even after coming full circle
Over and over again
After all we’ve weathered

I believed in you
You believed in me
You wanted to warm your hands
By me
Till you were filled with laughter
And defined me as a mockery

Closeness has been making
My bones twitch
God made kindness
Homeless
My defense makes me
A bitch
Beyond an advantage
I’m worthless

I woke up
From wanting to die
I may never be fit
For Nirvana beyond circumstance

My heart is always
Ultimately denied
Following a whirlwind contact high
At first glance

I believed in you
You believed in me
You wanted to warm your hands
By me
Till you bursted with laughter
And defined me as mockery

I can spend my lifetime
Uncovering who I am truly
But being lured in by you
Then diminished unspokenly
Alters who I see
When I reflect on who God made
And I can see why
Wildfires in storms
Are fast to fade

You looked safe
You looked familiar
Your arms opened to me
In my storm
We’re too naive to know
How much we’ve ever stirred
Engulfed dreams deceived me
With warmth.

“Always Be Crazy (Labeled)”

I invested my years
In draining cloudy skies
Coping with spells of tears
Hoping God was justified

But I had the right
to check out
Too soon I saw
the face of mortality
What possessing
too much empathy
was truly about
I’ve planted
too many new trees

Mother says
I’m the first to be dear
I’m the first to be labeled hastily
I think there’s truth to what I fear
To most I will always be crazy

I learned to think more clearly
And love with less passion
Prince Charming stoned me weary
I’m now too skeptical of religion

But my spirit was free enough
For a church
Too many unanswered questions
Turn sensitivity away
If I can’t trust a place
to land and perch
Without a limited
and fleeting stay

Mother says
I’m the first to be dear
I’m the first to be labeled hastily
I think there’s truth to my fears
I’ll always be crazy

To be a dreamer
Is an endeavor
That leaves me bed ridden
Wondering if God is just hidden

On this side of life
On the side of their knife
Where life only sticks
When therapy made me
A robotic mechanic

The first to be dear
The first to be labeled hastily
There’s truth to my fear
I’ll always be crazy.

“Constant Star” (Mother’s Day poem)

My heroine can remind me
I was never limbless
Ostracized superheroes
Can grow so jealous
Of her spine and open arms
In her love for me
So, they stood in her way
With promises convincingly

But no more security blankets
I’m releasing my spirit
Pinned down by too many
Immortalized in my heart
But my wings were made
By just one constant star

I found a cradle
In reapers of melancholia
But they only said my heroine
Was part of my disturbia
When I wouldn’t have
rediscovered my lost heart
Without knowing my strength
As her given art

No more security blankets
I’m pushing my spirit
Pinned down by too many
Immortalized in my heart
But my wings were crafted
By just one constant star

She finally unveiled to me
She never plucked herself from me
Because I’m too much
But because my Romeo’s
Saw to it that she were rushed

Forced into liberty
Amidst crying spells
And despondency
I’m on my own two resilient feet
I promise you
new perspective has sewn
I’ve read early red flags so clearly

I know my new heroine
Is a brand new woman
Thank you for looking within
To love this new free man

My wings were crafted
By only one constant star.

“Invisible Heart”

I’m a giver
I’m a lover
I forsook myself
For pain they felt

The world is disguised
By its countless lies
I was disenchanted
Being so taken for granted

Life is less breaking
With an invisible heart
But I want to feel
How to follow my star

There are takers
There are haters
I almost felt
A stolen heart in myself

When I care for a soul
I’m led into a spinning hole
My compassion is taken
Advantage of
I see the fading of
Man God dreamt of

Life is less breaking
With an invisible heart
But I wish to feel
How to follow my heart

I caught things early
Before they turned unruly
I won’t victimize myself
I fought for harmony
I once upon a time felt
I’m a giver
I’m a lover
But not a soul
No longer hovers

Life is less breaking
With an invisible heart
But I will feel
How to follow my star.

“Owning My Light”

You illuminated me
You abandoned me
I’ve never trimmed
from my soul
The pacific of forgiveness

I lacked value in your eyes
The shame could only be mine
Till I can see myself more clearly
In the crisp sky’s caress

I’m living
in a world of my way
No longer revolving
around your sun
Tyrannically

Owning my light
Shining brightly
With the greater affect
on the dawn
Definitively

I thought feeling unsafe
Was my perpetual trap
and cave
But feeling
so inadequate
Never foiled my voice
that raises me

It’s brought to my attention
Grace and marks
of my inspiration
If I remove the bitter
Stones melt into gems
that bless me

Living in a world of my way
No longer revolving
around your sun
Tyrannically

Owning my light
Shining brilliantly
With the greater affect on the dawn
Definitively

I’ve squandered precious time
Believing I’m too sick
To be truly loved by you
Guilty as a crime
My pleas against a gravestone
Were more sick
But true to my light
I still believe
Love who I am today
Can be true.