“Gods Child (If I Loved Myself)”

You loved yourself
Moving in men
into our home
Who shattered our sense of self
You tell me just to let it go

I thought love
Fertilized all that roots lacked
Love seemed like the missing key
To every cage

God says
love yourself
When a spear
is in your back
Free the ones you love
Till you’re the one
imprisoned in rage

If I loved myself
If I felt like God’s child
Less like a boy I was dealt
I’m grown enough
To walk from your words
So vile

He didn’t love himself
I slaved to enrich
his dead heart
Shattered my sense of self
Dreaming we’d master an art

He asked
when I’d finally let go
I didn’t know
he was minding time
Why’d he ask?
His angel would never let go
He didn’t have to tell me
He wings were clipped
for a lifetime

If I loved myself
I’d feel like God’s child
Less like a boy I was dealt
I’m grown enough
To feel an instrumental child

All I’ve become
Veils me from the Sun
But I’m a shameless advocate
Yet a bleeding reject

Putting myself before love
Breaks me in ways
No one can dream of

I’m a break through
Till break down
The brutal truth

If I loved myself
I’d be Gods child
Less like a boy I was dealt
I’m grown enough
To free a utilized child.

“Deceived With Warmth”

You were safely familiar
Your arms opened to me
in my storm
You’re too naive to know
How much you’ve ever stirred
Engulfed dreams deceived me
With warmth

I awaited you in your cave
Playing house
Like I’ve always conjured hearts
Imagining forever

Still I somehow knew
I’d have to escape
like an unfed mouse

Even after coming full circle
Over and over again
After all we’ve weathered

I believed in you
You believed in me
You wanted to warm your hands
By me
Till you were filled with laughter
And defined me as a mockery

Closeness has been making
My bones twitch
God made kindness
Homeless
My defense makes me
A bitch
Beyond an advantage
I’m worthless

I woke up
From wanting to die
I may never be fit
For Nirvana beyond circumstance

My heart is always
Ultimately denied
Following a whirlwind contact high
At first glance

I believed in you
You believed in me
You wanted to warm your hands
By me
Till you bursted with laughter
And defined me as mockery

I can spend my lifetime
Uncovering who I am truly
But being lured in by you
Then diminished unspokenly
Alters who I see
When I reflect on who God made
And I can see why
Wildfires in storms
Are fast to fade

You looked safe
You looked familiar
Your arms opened to me
In my storm
We’re too naive to know
How much we’ve ever stirred
Engulfed dreams deceived me
With warmth.

“Your Tears Of Empathy”

I thought I was flying
I was profusely crying
You never feared to cry
To lend yourself to my eyes

You were never overwhelmed
Never too tired for how I felt
Time passed us by
You rushed home to smile
In his eyes

You aimed for the door
My tears began to pour
I had to learn to gage
How to ride street level waves
As I drown inside
Life could only pass me by

Hearts grow evaporated
Promises go sedated
Only in episodes you cry
Death dispersed in your eyes

You easily say I’m cursed
And one million things worst
You’re not why I rediscovered life
And why I’ve rethought why I fly

You dashed for the door
My tears would not cease to pour
I’m unimportant and afraid
Drowning in street level waves
Dying inside
Life can only pass me by

Your tears of empathy
Froze into snowflakes
Fading from reality
Like who you portrayed

In your store of candy
I was never special
I’m just remnants now free
Only because I’m too much
of a handful

I look at my locked door
Like today when my tears poured
I still sometimes forget to gage
How to ride street level waves
And ponder my last breath inside
Life can only pass me by.

“Rejoice With You (Or In A Dream)?”

Standing tall
Over bloody hips
I answered destiny’s call
My tears nearly sank
My ship

I’ve only braved
Life without my Mother
When you expensively gave
Your arm like love and father

But now I’m fearless
Filling the void of you
But at times sadness
Returns my wish to share
My breeze with you

Born again
Basking in life
I let us end
Still I wish to bask
In new light
With you
At my side

Would I rejoice with you
Or in a dream I had
On my darkest night?

You have not called
I couldn’t hear you at sea
You saw me fall
Maybe you saw
You could have broken me

You are who God gave
To turn me to Him
As Mother and Father
No one can be saved
Without understanding birth
In life thereafter

You’re my witness
I’m lost when I’m vacant of love
You know I’m restless
I wish you’d see what
I’m now composed of

Born again
Basking in life
I’ve absorbed our end
If I could rejoice
In new light
With you at my side

But would I rejoice
Alongside you
Or with a dream I had
On my darkest night?

Pretty

One more man 

thinks me pretty

This time I never 

offered my soul
Maybe I feared 

he’d learn I’m ugly

Maybe I’ve learned 

what’s truly beautiful
What’s truly beautiful 

Are these sails 

Seeing me through
My death bed is half full

But I’m beautiful again

Before I died for you
A wise woman pointed me 

to my youth

Said I’m too young 

to be teacher of the heart
Students never stay 

to kiss where I bruise

I’m as beautiful as 

my own master of my arts
I’m just as beautiful

As these waves

Floating me through
My death bed can be half full

But I’m beautiful again

Before I died for you
My words once 

so eloquent 

You make them 

so irrelevant 
Till a man questions

My sadness

Because only I 

Can free his horses
But I remained wild

I preserved my child

You broke once
What’s truly beautiful

Is how I’ve always

Sailed through
And though my death bed

May always stay half full

I am beautiful again

Before I died for you.

Forgotten

‚Äč”Forgotten”
They’re spiritual

Moments I’d run

To share with you first

Appreciation for my happiness

No longer has thirst
I wanted to show you

My fresh vision

I wanted to tell you

My new voice within
But to be free

Is to be alive again

And bear my triumphs

No matter how forgotten
All that matters

Is what you’ve found

Beyond our inflictions
But would you lose it after

If you smiled at me arise

From our ruin?
I wanted to feel you

Bask in my glory

I wanted to see you

Touched by my story
When you’re free

Alive again

Your triumph will never

Be forgotten…
Monarchs spread

Trembling wings

But it’s still 

A strange world out there
I once treasured in you

Everything

To be free

Is to be treasured

Nowhere.

Rainbow Named L.A.

A boy wrapped himself

In a cotton rainbow

Warmed by love

He’s always felt

Despite unavailable joy
On a street of Spring

My bay window reminds me

Of my fall

Protest signs fight for everything

Poetic justice flows within

My historical walls
I told her you were here

Only when she went away

She begged me

To live for her

When she was nowhere near

You were a pretty reason

For a new day

Now she sleeps without fear

As I live for a rainbow

Named L.A.
No one has to be available

Or write me a sign

Pretty men can be incredible

Eyes to meet may be

Nowhere to find
I came full circle,

back to the suburb 

So a Chaplain could ask me

How I’m related to God?
And I think He kills me

So I can finally detour

He only mutes my mind

When He confiscates everything I’ve sought
Mama knows you were here

Only when she flew away

After she begged me

To live for her

Without her anywhere near
You were just a pretty reason

For the next day

Tonight she sleeps without fear

And I’m living for 

A rainbow named L.A.

Undefined Roles

Your calling
Was when I was lamenting
And I needed codependency

You disinfected me
But we pretended
And we parted like seas

You had a choice
You spoke with my voice
Your role becomes undefined
Your mirror won’t shine

You can’t imagine
My self sufficiency within
You rescue a family
But you struck gold
When I reached for you
Desperately

You were Mommy
You were Daddy
And so very godly

Miracles I see
Are that we’re not more crazy
From times so violently

You have a choice
But I own my voice
You ponder your role
Did weaving me together
make you whole?

You can’t imagine
Liberty is not sin
You salvage a real family
But you struck gold
When I sought you
Desperately

I’m entitled to grow
After being held down as zero
My mind was tethered
I couldn’t be sick forever

I’ll never settle like you
But I feel too true
Monarchs can be aggressive
Suicidal boys can be
Eager to live

You were searching
I was lamenting
We found each other
Codependently

You disinfected me
But couldn’t heal
Till I could see
You were floating away
At sea

You made your choice
Trembled my voice
I fear what I can’t read
I fear how easily I’d take heed

I never imagined
My voice within
You say I Love You
To your real family
But our souls were sold
When I asked
Do you love me?

Illuminated True Colors

You’ve taught me
I’m undeserving of
Being loved
For who I am inside

You unraveled
Became a hard lesson
A season
Passing painfully inside

You’ve shown me
The true colors
Of those who appear
To be angels sent

Then they’re so demonic
And so impure
Your wings were winded
Then you became absent

You sought me
For all I’m made of
To never return love
But I should not
Have had expectations

You found me
But uncovering you
Falling into you
Lost me
In devastating confusion

You’ve illuminated
True colors
Of heavenly creatures
Allegedly sent

But you’ve abandoned me
Because you’re impure
I winded your wings
You were swiftly absent

There are still
Misunderstandings
There are still
Unanswered questions
You claim to have vanished for me
A supposedly
Selfless abandonment

If the others
Remained silent
If you listened
To your sad heart
You’d hear
You’re not in confinement
You’d hear me
Wherever you are

But I already know
Your true colors
You’re no angel sent
You’re self-absorbed
You’re impure
I hope you go far
With newly winded wings
How do you feel
When you’ve made me
Forever absent?

Sacrifice

“Sacrifice”
You loved me

You ruined me

You held me

Poured life from

Within me
I will always love

The spirit I’m made of

I love my vision

Only so long

Could you wear me thin
I won’t sacrifice 

My soaring flight

For a lost soul

Who’d rather lay low
It’s time to give up

This dead end fight

I’m flying to the light

I was born to know
You say you’re wise

Living in golden snow

I sense my opening eyes

Know the Summer

Free spirits bestow
I will forever love

Spring I take year ’round

I still believe in love

That nurture’s

With constant sound
I won’t sacrifice 

My soul’s seasons 

As some seasons

Are ready to pass
It’s time to face

The many reasons

As I flourish in the light

I was born to know
It’s your hard road

That plants your own voice 

And your wisdom 

You can only follow

Your own love like a prism
I’ve come too far

I’m too wise and know

If love touched your heart

You crumble a road

Laying low
I refuse to sacrifice

My soaring flight

When lazy hearts

Would rather lay low
It’s time to surrender 

This dead end fight

You’re unlike that light

I once grew to know.