“A World I Don’t Care To Know”

You made my mind right
You were my reason and rhyme
Saying goodbye felt right
But I feel I’m losing my mind

Trying to do right
by each choice
But I feel unstable
Without your affirming voice

I let go
To be healthy
I’m only slipping away slow
Sabotaging my world to debris

I’d let my home
Be compromised
To see all I’ve ever known
You had me blissfully baptized
A god that makes life
Healthier without you
Created a world
I don’t care to know

I don’t want to eat
But you conditioned me to live
Wobbly on my feet
I’ve spent days alone
After everything you gave me
To give

I scram to take care of myself
But care seems pointless
If my voice of reason
Hit a dry spell

I let go
To be healthy
I’m slipping away slow
Sabotaging my world to debris

I’d let my home
Be compromised
To see all I’ve ever known
You had me blissfully baptized
A god that makes life
Healthier without you
Created this world
I don’t care to know

I’m trying to believe
In myself
But many soaked up
Any light I’ve felt.

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“Overcoming Rather Than Achieving Heaven”

If I kept holding you dear
I’d keep hoping
your knife would soften

I’ve only known love
That ruled me with me fear
Your cradling was more secure
Than all my wisdom

You taught me
To overcome my biggest fears
I’m still helpless
Though I know this goodbye
Is for the best

I can’t fathom being motherless
Is fated in his Kingdom
So overcoming
rather than achieving Heaven
Is my quest

You love me
When I’m who
You want me to be
I voiced my mind
I bleed from my beliefs
In your words so unkind

When you won’t
Come close to my heart
My worst fear comes true
As I purge she whom
I was most petrified to part

You modeled codependency
We walk away
but never undamaged

I’m setting myself free
But only when you forgot
How to love me with past depth

You love me
When I’m who
You want to be
I voiced my mind
And I’m bleeding from beliefs
In your words so unkind

You won’t come close
To my heart
My worst fear came true
I’m purging the one
I’ve been too petrified
To part

I know I’m not easy
To always stand beside
I make logic dizzy
But there’s pain inside

That can only be
explained by you
Though I know
you kept me alive
But I lived in your models
And in fear of your words

You gave me the strength
To overcome each Hell and rise
Even if I never reflect a rainbow
And I have to forever be
A forlorn bird

I love you
Though you’re who
Can’t love me
unconditionally
You voiced your mind
I’m bleeding from beliefs
In your words so unkind

You didn’t come close
To my heart
My worst fear came true
I’m purging you she whom
I was most petrified to part.

“Without Limits”

Taught to love
Without limits
Invited many violations

I grew up watching the unloved
Without limits
Kindredness ended in combustion

Seeds got to my mind
Now hope is hard to find
I can’t trust
There’s a safe flower
Toxins mind boggle even Mother

So I just explore
For ways to clear my head
Losing all I’ve prayed for
Learning which parts of me
Are better off dead

I’ve been reminded of
All of my limits
I plummeted in their oblivion

Dialogue sticks like moths
It gives love such limits
Limits more comforting
than lessons

Seeds got to my mind
Hope is hard to find
I can’t trust there’s a safe flower
Toxins mind boggle even Mother

I can only explore
Ways to clear my mind
Losing all I’ve prayed for
Learning which parts of me
Are better off dead.

“Wings Always Reappear”

I rescued you
I should have known
I’d lose you

I’m last to your high
And my trail is embedded
With goodbyes

When we weren’t
Our mothers children
We whispered death wishes
And God listened

Wings can disappear
We suspect every human being
God is He who listens
As we’re screaming
Forgetting we’re still living

I’m unworthy to you
The love of my life
Forgot how to love
My mother’s kiss of approval
Turned blue
And I often vow to bolt
This heart I’m made of

When I became
My mother’s orphan
I whispered death wishes
And God always listened

Wings disappear
We suspect each human being
God always hears
As we’re screaming
Forgetting
we’re still living

This universe judges my voice
But Earth is secondary
In the middle of city noise
I sense I was brought this far
By the Heavenly

Wings always reappear
In spite of human beings
When God always hears
When I screamed
And I forgot
Why I’m still living.

“More Than Zero (For Andrew)”

If you dreamt of me
I’d never let go
Whenever you’d see me
You’d always follow

I failed to know
How to love you
You didn’t know
How to ask to be loved

You said
I was your superhero
After another was my hero
After I’ve too long
felt like zero

We’re the same
Burning the same hell within
We put our hearts to shame
You escape through addiction

I weep not knowing
Where you’re sleeping
I can’t be saved
You’re not mine to be saving

You said
I’m your superhero
After another was my hero
After spending too long
Feeling like zero

You asked for validation
I ask for our serenity
But I know our connection
Came amidst our heartbreaks
Serendipitously

You say I’m persistent
I say you clean up beautifully
But now I’m independent
And you’re still that cyclone
Circling yourself
I almost couldn’t see

But I’m glad to have been
Your superhero
Seasonal like my hero
You’ve made me feel
More than zero.

“Trimming Those Roots”

I’m setting myself free
I used to feel
Freedom involved rebellion
Flaunting all I attained
That was once handed to me
Showcasing my self established
Destination

Till I broke a fever
In our wettest winter in years
Forgiveness creeped in
As I quivered
No memory was here
To haunt me
It was soulless
With thousands of fears

Being free
Is not setting fire to prisons
It’s placing myself
Before what imprisons me

We see tears stream
Our hearts confuse love
With empathy
Nightmares feel
like sweet dreams
Pain awakens you
Setting you free

I made fruitless endeavors
Vulnerably just untethered
I could forgive
When my past was vacant
Hauntings became chapters
And I could learn
What our chapter
logically meant

Being free
Is not setting fire to prisons
But placing myself
Before those who
Imprison me

I’m overwhelmed by guilt
For barriers built
For those I love
Who make me curl up

Once upon a time
Abuse felt like reason
And rhyme
But I’ve begun
Trimming those roots
Since I’ve freed myself
To better understand the truth

Being free
Is not setting fire to prisons
I’m placing myself
Before those who had
Imprisoned me.

“Gods Child (If I Loved Myself)”

You loved yourself
Moving in men
into our home
Who shattered our sense of self
You tell me just to let it go

I thought love
Fertilized all that roots lacked
Love seemed like the missing key
To every cage

God says
love yourself
When a spear
is in your back
Free the ones you love
Till you’re the one
imprisoned in rage

If I loved myself
If I felt like God’s child
Less like a boy I was dealt
I’m grown enough
To walk from your words
So vile

He didn’t love himself
I slaved to enrich
his dead heart
Shattered my sense of self
Dreaming we’d master an art

He asked
when I’d finally let go
I didn’t know
he was minding time
Why’d he ask?
His angel would never let go
He didn’t have to tell me
He wings were clipped
for a lifetime

If I loved myself
I’d feel like God’s child
Less like a boy I was dealt
I’m grown enough
To feel an instrumental child

All I’ve become
Veils me from the Sun
But I’m a shameless advocate
Yet a bleeding reject

Putting myself before love
Breaks me in ways
No one can dream of

I’m a break through
Till break down
The brutal truth

If I loved myself
I’d be Gods child
Less like a boy I was dealt
I’m grown enough
To free a utilized child.

“Run Away From Me”

I know you better
You knew my crazy fast
You felt brighter
Shooting stars never last

Shining upon you was climatic
Till you discovered
I am an everyday lunatic

You have reasons
to feel loved by me
You learned reasons
I’m unloved
That make you run away
from me

You’re excused to break
Promises implied
in blissful kisses
You’re entitled to forsake
My soul fragmented in pieces

You’re ill equipped for the sick
Minds are not rubber
My mind is the hardest
to predict

You had reason
to feel loved by me
To know why I’m unloved
To run away
from me

Pills only control me
They can’t cure me
They can’t render me loveable
Beyond the judgmental

But they’ve made good calls
Loving me only to nearly fall
I’ll cling to my four walls
And will not further
my crazed downfall

They’ve felt they loved me
But there are reasons
I’m unloved
Reasons why
everyone runs away from me.

“You Never Have To Love Me”

We’re living
Forgetting we’re dying
Only immortals
Can make up for being immoral

I loved you
Before myself
Naively believing
My love was felt
I still witnessed your smile
Preserving my inner child

You never have to love me
in return
Hell and back took longer than
A burn

I wanted to nestle in
The heart of a boy
For some joy
Your heart was no space of joy
I painfully learned

In mourning
Angels were harmonizing
Utilized
Conjured new dreams
Traumatized
Solidly winged

I love what I’ve given
Of myself
Knowing I’m capable
Of all I’ve felt
Evidence lies in your smile
Gods love is sheer
in my inner child

You never have to love me
In return
Hell and back took longer
Than a burn

I wanted to nestle
In the heart of a boy
For just joy
Your heart is no space of joy
I painfully learned.

“Deceived With Warmth”

You were safely familiar
Your arms opened to me
in my storm
You’re too naive to know
How much you’ve ever stirred
Engulfed dreams deceived me
With warmth

I awaited you in your cave
Playing house
Like I’ve always conjured hearts
Imagining forever

Still I somehow knew
I’d have to escape
like an unfed mouse

Even after coming full circle
Over and over again
After all we’ve weathered

I believed in you
You believed in me
You wanted to warm your hands
By me
Till you were filled with laughter
And defined me as a mockery

Closeness has been making
My bones twitch
God made kindness
Homeless
My defense makes me
A bitch
Beyond an advantage
I’m worthless

I woke up
From wanting to die
I may never be fit
For Nirvana beyond circumstance

My heart is always
Ultimately denied
Following a whirlwind contact high
At first glance

I believed in you
You believed in me
You wanted to warm your hands
By me
Till you bursted with laughter
And defined me as mockery

I can spend my lifetime
Uncovering who I am truly
But being lured in by you
Then diminished unspokenly
Alters who I see
When I reflect on who God made
And I can see why
Wildfires in storms
Are fast to fade

You looked safe
You looked familiar
Your arms opened to me
In my storm
We’re too naive to know
How much we’ve ever stirred
Engulfed dreams deceived me
With warmth.