Only Exist

“Only Exist”

Am I supposed to believe

In all of this?

How can a spirit die

And ever recapture bliss?
You seek to broaden horizons

But there’s always some rain

I can define myself by a storm

But defined too different is insane
I may always feel for you

When too much I’ve believed in

Was proven untrue
If faith in you had to die

I’d get closer to giving in

To a God

That fills hearts with lies 
How can I practice more faith?

I already gave my everything

I even came so close

To being a song you would sing
I leave you to your promise

But even my capsules can break

People can’t compare to psychiatry

Chemicals only balance 

the heartache
I may always love you

I want to commit to this belief

I owe too many gods IOU’s

You give faltering hearts relief
I may always love you

Your love was one dream

That came true…
I have to wake up now 

Get out of that state somehow

I need time to find some life

After our dream felt so right
Out there they only exist

Nostalgia of passion here persists

I wish you

A resilient metamorphosis

I simply dream

Of one last kiss
When I say I love you

I’ll try to say it subtly

I don’t want to keep you

From your full reality

But I will wonder hopefully

When you say you love me. 

 

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Frozen Truth

“Frozen Truth”

There’s always two sides

To a story

Like growing smitten

With your halo

Then falling to the Devil

With your glory
There’s a prologue

There’s our sad end

Maybe we never began

But there was a Heaven

My vision began to bend
One minute I can remember

All I love about you

Then it’s a December 

When you froze what is true
One minute I can understand

That you have your nuptial reasons

But then I can barely stand 

If truth stays frozen for all seasons
I’ve learned fully

You’re imperfect

I recall when you were

Everything 

There was no rainy day

You couldn’t dissect
Don’t think it’s easy

Watching myself fade

You must have already noticed

Letting me go could lead

My heart to jade
One minute I remember

All that I love within you 

I was the core member 

That pumped blood in you
Then you remind me clearly

I guess I had truly forgotten

That you’re not meant for me

But even snowmen would be smitten
I could have shared 

Since when was anything fully mine?

I know you care

I’ve learned heartbreak 

makes you unkind
I’m living both stories

I’m living our glory

But we both fall from grace

But in our summer

The only Heaven 

You worried about

Glowed all over my face
Don’t think I won’t remember

All I love about you

You make it again our summer

When one day is about you
Don’t think I can’t decipher

Falling into me was never planned

I guess I can sadly remember 

People let me go because they can.

I love you the most
I love my family too

Loving anyone

Does not make love true
Love’s meaning floats

You never knew what I meant

Little by little I know

What a season never meant
I was a loving boy

Now I don’t care to love

After being your void’s toy
You question my freedom

I am free to walk away

If I fly away from you

You’re still trapped 

in a loveless day
My meaning floated

When I craved to mean more

But I know what pain means

It means I have to close a door
I was free to be loving

Fear now chains me

Like boys see whose not giving 
I have no family

I have no lover

I have a reality

I have the freedom

To make another
You had a loving boy

You drained him dry

Meeting your needs was coy.

“How to Heal”

I only know how to heal

If I’m casted aside

As I plead and kneel
I gave you my life

Yours outgrew me

My breath feels the knife
Give me a hand

Push my heart away

I know you can stand

Ignore my tears as I lay
Please understand

I only know to move on

If you take your hand

And force yourself gone
I’ve only been a handful

You’ll be at peace

Your lover will be grateful
I’m now beyond understanding

You long to see me

But you see a dead body standing
Give me a lift

Throw me out of your car

Make a shift

Let me find home beneath the stars
You gave me gifts

You know how to rob me

But pain can sift

If I know you forgot me
You can’t undo my curse

Being irrationally loved

Then never nursed
Say we both made a mistake

I was not yours

You were not mine

To ever adulterously take
If I take your hand

My heart will remain unglued

Time is like sand 

As I wade in the ocean blue
You cannot kiss my hand

If you will not immerse yourself

I know how to land

If you leave me to clip myself.

Grown Up Pain

“Grown Up Pain”

I was free 

As a boy who could love

Any man I daydream of

Now I run the risk of

Grown up pain I’m being made of

I was free 

To save the desperate

We’d suffer sunsets

But my preaching never sets

Me free from how bad it gets

But I must rise

Clouded by wet eyes

I must live willingly

As life dwindles me

I was free

To think with a clear mind

But people become unkind

My faith starves for signs

Of how to forgive 

And stay blind

I was free

To dream I could become great

But it’s getting to be too late 

Interjections like scars

Boxed me inside hate

I’m merely what fate forsakes

I must learn that skies

Can clear up despite students lies

Wings have to be eternal 

As mothers can abandon 

Being maternal

Bound to confusion

Of swift abandonment

By Earth’s once pure Heaven…

A boy cries in my shoulders

I’ve learned we’ll always cry

With less shoulders to cry into

I am glued but faith flies 

But I must weep

So my spirit can be released to sleep

We can be dangerously free

Yet lose hope and build prisons

But they cannot just be.

Prince Daniel

“Prince Daniel”

The world’s miracle 

Is unveiled 

to a Prince’s dazzled eyes
If my father was charming like his

My heart would constantly

Touch the skies
To be loved enough

To have stars to wish on

He holds twilight

Through dawn 

with a perseverant song
And he sees waters rise

Illuminated by glorious light

Purity beheld only in his eyes

Loneliness does not exist at night
The Prince captures every wonder

With the eyes

Of a brilliant outsider
When his nurturer is an artist

The Prince feels creation’s bliss
To be embraced enough

That you’re carried to reach beauty

He will blossom with each detail

That commoners will only hail
He sees waters rise

Like sufferers are baptized

He believes all is crystal clear

Even the sense in childhood tears
When you see life

Through the eyes of this Prince

Life is pure
For a maddening world

In the eyes of a pure Prince

Is the cure
Just let waters rise

And shower your broken heart

Light like love renders life purified 

The Prince knows 

Where the healing starts.
   
    
 

Superheroes

It was a sleepless night in a narrow psych ward. The other loons were medicated and fast sleep. I felt energized and creative, as well as desperate to pen my latest raging emotions on paper. I left my journal at home. So, I asked the night staff for any paper and writing utensil they could let me use in my small hospital bed. 
I wrote like the wind about a certain heroic loved one whom I’ve been on a poignant journey with. I saved the two poems I wrote till today to share with him, on the first day I can hold him upon my first day of freedom. 

“Loving Superheroes”
A superhero saved me

A superhero loves me

A superhero ponders me

When he wants to lay his cape down
A superhero gave me

All that I ever longed for

Then this superhero longed for me

And the boy beneath the hero

Cried his weakest sounds
A superhero

Is just a boy

Who thinks by saving my boy

He can repair

His human pain
I learned of the confusion

In the day of a superhero

And he became confused about me 

When his desperation can’t let go
But he is still the hero

That loves me beyond human limits

And I too will never let go

Of his power on my boyish spirit
My superhero

Is a boy

Who dreams

Like a dreamer boy

His strong body

Can preserve his magic 
I am swarming

In a well of human emotions

I am crying

I have immersed into his oceans
But a superhero works from faith

In magic creating life 

Bigger than our well
Now I know I can be saved

My hero is still the boy that loves me

Through my Hell
A boy envisioned

A superhero

He grew into a man 

Who won’t let go

But he can treasure me 

Forever
And he shut down

Like a bird sacrifices his voice

In my meltdowns

He learned freedom is a choice
So our neglected boys

Learn in our hearts

That loving superheroes

Uplift us 
And corners we’re painted in

From the sad start

Turn into feelings 

Those voids in our boys can trust
I watch my hero find his magic

Life was once hopelessly tragic

But we felt a heroic vision 

As it saved two boys.

“Life To Give”
Wishing for your caress

In a madhouse

Could make me mad

But my heart is glad

You are not nearly as mad
You always make me feel

Like my thoughts are real

You remind me I am blessed

Like I’m not imagining

Your caress
I know when you can’t

Predict the forecast

You can’t prepare

For my tornadoes

I’m sorry if my sharp words will last

But you bring an oasis

And your breezes overjoy my toes 
You see me in an asylum

You still caress me

You are the only soul

Who fathoms my soul

Can’t always be whole
I know you wish

You could clear my mind

Of chatter and clutter

Getting in my way
I’m sorry when I erupt

I am too unkind

But your eyes are so meditative

Your grace is like a psalm

About the Way
You always make me see

A crystalline reality

You remind me I am loved

Like love is not something I made up
I know you must come and go

You can’t be my reason to live

I’m sorry I don’t have a casual flow

But when we’re intertwined

I can feel I have much life to give.

“On the Same Page” Some days you ponder our love Some days you don’t Some days my sun rises bright Some days it won’t You want to end our chapter And we’re trying to heal I cry through all my laughter As you know how not to feel We’re not on the same page Fireflies burn out from rage I made it through the last maze Because we were on the same page Your life is full and busy Your life is warm enough You only reach out to me For my desolate love How do you fall out of love? Why am I still waiting? What more powerful force do you think of? Why is it so distracting? Won’t you read the page I read? To be one with you is all I need You burn out fireflies with rage When we’re not on the same page I know you need to breathe After all our intensity But every time you leave You still intensely effect me Show me how you can escape The overtaking heartbreak My happy pills won’t take You’re too pretty For my thoughts to escape Go and compose your own page Our love song will still never age I hold to you each second of the day I feel underneath you’re on the same page.

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