Unloveable

I’m lusting
Lust is unpleasant reminder
Of the brokenness
It ejaculates

Longing for love
Reminds me of how unloveable 
You made me feel

Every flaw
Every incision
Every wound
Surfaces when I glance at a man

I would only intensify 
The voices in his head
I would expose him to knowledge
That would traumatize him

Entering my heart
Is like spending a family holiday
In an asylum with
Unbiological and enmeshed crazies

The crazies are so enmeshed 
That they’re exquisite mirror
And my reflection
Draws a caution tape
That keeps love away from 
Ever touching me

To be untouched
Is to be plagued
With a feverish sickness
Of deprivation
Of human contact

There’s no pill 
For this human disease
The only panacea 
Would be the undivided gift
Of unconditional love

Only unconditional love
Can bear to forgive me
For being so unloveable.

Unglue From Your Hand

“Unglue From Your Hand”

Maybe you can’t understand
Living for you was all I had
There was no other reason to stand

Now my growing pains are too much
That I’ve lost your heart’s strings
I don’t want a string
I just want your touch

Maybe you can’t comprehend
Living inside my head
Always desperate for the end

Now my thoughts are worthless
But they scream and keep me awake
Being dead must be no different
Than being loveless

It was once the two of us
And you glued me to your hand
The easiest hand to trust

Now I can’t believe my eyes
As you walk away without answering
Questions for the world I just realized

No one seems to understand
That my heart needs to scream
As I scare the quietest man

And so the world becomes lonelier
As the God I realized for myself
Becomes holier

Maybe one day you will understand
That you don’t always need to survive
By having the upper hand

And as you’re oblivious
To my frantic meanderings within
I wish you hopefulness

You will never understand
The suffering I’m barely seeing through
Trying to unglue from your hand

I only live without a choice
But I may sing a different song
When your shadow leaves my own voice.

IMG_1325.JPG